Game of Thrones Wall Assault

There is absolutely no point in me punning the title of this show because I have seen every incarnation of it. There are probably more GoT themed porn films alone than episodes of Seinfeld. That aside, I just watched the latest episode of season 4 (episode 9 at the time of writing).



(I was going to add a cool button and shit to make it a bit more childproof, but then I decided not to)


The entire episode was about the wall. After seeing Oberyn’s head get transformed rather quickly into a brainy lasagne, I was more than happy to watch another plot line for a while. Not quite sure why the wildlings didn’t just go around the wall.

The Wall
Go around?

I’m not really hardcore into the series and I haven’t read the books, but according to this map of Westeros I found, the wall spans from some mountains to the sea. Assuming it is as cold as it looks, I don’t see why that sea wouldn’t be frozen and easily traversed by foot. Even if it wasn’t, the huge supply of wood would surely be enough to assemble some crude boats to make the trip. The Mance Rayder dude in charge of the army was a crow and would probably be aware of the technology to build a boat. It’s got to be easier than assaulting a wall that goes to the clouds?

Wooden Raft
We talked it through, and trying to attack a 700-foot tall wall is probably easier than building some shitty rafts and sailing around.

Similar story for the mountain route (Edit – This quote is from the GoT wikia:

“The Milkwater River carved a massive gorge through the Frostfangs which is practically as steep as the Wall itself, and which extends all the way to the ocean. The gorge is held to be as impassable as the Wall – though small raiding bands with climbing equipment have perilously managed to climb both at times.”

Even if it is ‘as impassable’, at least there is nobody throwing shit at you while you try to climb it…) Failing that, what about just tunneling through the wall? It is ice – It wouldn’t take that long for a few giants with epic pickaxes to just hack their way through.

The catapult of ice-wall siege weaponry.

Secondly, I thought there were 100 men in the Night’s Watch. Given the number of people I saw butchered on screen and the length of the battle in Castle Black, there are about 7 left now at best. That’s a bowling team. I understand that the producer probably knew that people want to watch a battle, not a gathering less numerous than the Latvian Teapot Eroticism fan club (now that I think about it, that probably has a legion of followers – fuck it, I’d join that out of curiosity), but seriously.

It’s even got built-in anal beads

Finally, as my equally disbelief-suspended friend pointed out, why did they drop the giant ice-anchor on the wall when there were 4 people climbing up? How much effort would it be to wait until they are a few metres below the top and then throw rocks at them, or even fucking snowballs made out of a mix of ice and hate?!

Deadly Snowball
100% effective at stopping people climbing up your wall. 30% effective at not cutting the shit out of your hand before you let go.

4 thoughts on “Game of Thrones Wall Assault

  1. Indeed, the wildlings probably could have gone around, but I believe the 2 castles at either end are defended (and maybe own boats..?)

    As you noticed, the wall is pretty wide and barely defended. Even if Mance Raydar divided his army into 3 or 4 groups and attacked different spots, it would make a lot more sense than having everybody attack Castle Black where most of the brothers live.

    I listen to a podcast called “The Bald Move” and they criticized the Wildling’s battle techniques, especially the part where everybody runs at the wall and get things thrown at them. Siege tanks? One of those Spartan-shield turtles? Nope, just basic armor. Oh, and there’s 588 Black Brothers left according to gameofthrones wiki.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s