A collective wail of agony echoes across the city as the year begins – a wail that sounds out at a frequency slightly lower than the bottom of our hearing range. However, some scientists in a lab are reading a significant increase in the latent low-frequency sonic emissions across the city and going “Hmm, I wonder what that could be? Mayhaps the narwhals are preparing an invasion?”
Why isn’t my ultra-low frequency sonic sensor working? It’s just showing me a picture of this bacteria that looks like pubes. The narwhals have sabotaged our instruments!
I’ll tell you what it is. It is the unibowel of our nation – the amalgamated spiritual whole of our individual bowels – unloading the mother of all beer turds on the idea of going back to work after the holiday. Somewhere, Joe Turnip sits at a clean desk with his laptop squinting back at him on this fine Wednesday, mulling over several thoughts which constitute a general feeling toward his employment that is far inferior to his opinion on women’s shoes. The thoughts may and probably include the following:
*Staring at the time in the bottom right of his Windows desktop that has a few documents opened that make him look like he isn’t dicking off*
“13:05 – a time that marks the magnanimous welcoming of the sweet embrace of the weekend being less than halfway from me. A weekend that is particularly full of sweetness, like aunty Fiona when she smokes pot.”
And her distinct lack of sweetness when you take her pot away.
“Seriously, fuck all those people who took their holidays after the new year and are still in the sun somewhere drinking what I hope is something contaminated with urine. I’m going to laugh when they go back to the real world. More time on break, more pain at stake. Mmm, I like steak. Fuck those people.”
“If I just type like this people will think I’m busy. Hmm, yeah I can totally afford to waste some time.I’ll make up for it later. There’s other employees that suck more than me. I’m just too depressed to add up these two single figure digits. Wait, that is actually my job. Why am I here? Better keep looking important – ooh look my random typing produced the word ‘ballsack’!”
I also got pretty close to typing “orgasm” too! Screenshot Tweet #randomtyping #statisticallyimprobably #ballsackorgasm
Jim and thousands of others will never make up for their wasted time. There are plenty of people spending hours just wondering how many other people are still on holiday, and procrastinating by building forts out of their erasers. Somewhere there is some dickhead winning a trophy or followers on instagram for building a scaled model of the Arc de Triomphe from erasers. You could be that dickhead if you commit.
Why would the universe place all this useless office stationery in front of me if it didn’t want me to become an artist?
Anyway, there are plenty of people applying the strategy of Cheddar Milestones right now. You could too, with easy payments of just $19.95 per week until you die! Hey, I gotta make a living too. Why Cheddar? Because it is the most beautiful word in the English language. Firstly, it sounds like “cellar door” if you have a severe speech impediment. Secondly, it is also describing the most awesome dairy product since some hairy yak left some milk in a puddle on the floor for safekeeping and returned in a week to find the ambrosia that is yoghurt.
Yoghurt ain’t got nothing on me bitch. It ain’t food if you can’t CHEW IT.
Cheddar Milestones is a unique and novel strategy that essentially capitalises on our ability to focus on short term goals more easily than long term ones, and our awesome adaptability to circumstances taking a turn for the worse.
- Focus on making it to morning tea
- Focus on making it to lunch
- Focus on making it to afternoon tea
- Focus on making it to the end of the working day
- Celebrate by doing shit – sell a kidney and enrol in a taxidermy course. Buy a beer and drink it like you stole it.
- Repeat until your next long weekend/sick day/annual leave, or until you run out of money. If the latter occurs, sign up to our course on “Managing Finances Effectively – a Guide to Selling Garden Gnomes”. See, we got it covered kids.
But seriously, by pacing yourself and dicing your meaty day into bitesize chunks, like Hannibal Lecter preparing breakfast from his recently deceased mailman, you too can fight the blues. If you get paid peanuts, MAKE SOME BUTTER FROM THAT SHIT. Invest it in garden gnomes. It’s a rapidly growing industry – see our course on “Investment Diversification Into Other Trades”.
Cheddar ain’t got nothing on me bitch. It ain’t a garden ornament if it MELTS UNDER THE SUN.
Anything better than cheddar is worth looking into, right?